family perspectives on care of the dead

I have only had two experiences dealing with death involving people who were close to me (so far). The first was my mother who died five years ago. When my mother died, my family was unprepared. Alhtough we knew for sure that she would die, we hand't thought about what we would do when it happened. My mother was surrounded by her children, father and mother, which made the moment of her death actually quite beautiful. My family had been accepting and asked my mother to let go because we knew that for her, death meant relief. I think we felt this way because my mother had been in much pain during her illness and in the last five days of her life, she had gradually slipped into a coma. At the time, it seemed as though she lost everything quickly- in a matter of a week. Fist she lost the ability to walk, which is when the hospice bed came in. Then she stopped talking, stopped taking her medication and finally, stopped breathing.

When my mother died, my dad didn't know what we were supposed to do with her body. She died in our home and the hospice nurse advised us to call a funeral home so that they could take my mother's body away. My father and eldest brother carried her body into the hearse and that was the last time I saw her body until the funeral. My father and brother Antonio walked with our dog Yoshi to bring the dress that my grandmother had chosen for my mother's body to wear. 


We were all in a state of shock- grieving with the reality of my mother's death, but we had to immediately prepare for the funeral. This meant notifying people- family and friends- so that they could know of my mothers death and attend the funeral. Because my mother had been raised in California and my grandmother was adamant on burrying her there, we made arrangements to have her body flown to the Bay Area.


Although this was a difficult time for everyone, I think that my dad had it the hardest. Already having to deal with the loss of his wife of 25 years, he also had to find a balance between respecting what my grandmother wanted for my mother's body and cherishing my mother's values. As a catholic, she had very strong views on how my mothers body should be handled. This included everything from how she should be dressed (she picked a dress my mother hated) to whether or not we had an open casket (we wanted closed) to how large (and expensive) the tombstone should be. My father imagined what my mother would have wanted for herself and knew that she would have wanted dancing and drumming at her funeral because those were things my mother loved. However, my grandmother wanted a traditional ceremony, so it was difficult to work with her. He also knew that it would be very important that there would not be a rift between us so for the most part, he gave in to what my grandmother wanted.  We found other ways to make sure that the ceremony reflected my mother's values. This was especially true in California, when we had more time to plan and we could involve more people who were important to my mother. 


In the case of Little Ped, who died just two weeks ago, the issues of how to handle his death were not so complicated. My stepmother, Allyson,  found out quite unexpectantly that the child she was carrying had a lethal birth defect and could not survive. My grandmother (on my dad's side) had nicknamed him "Little Ped" after my father Pedro and even though he was no larger than the palm of my fathers hand, he still looked very much like a real baby. With the exception of my grandmother, who argued that Little Ped should be given a chance to live, saying that "a miracle could happen", while everyone else respected Allyson's decision to terminate the pregnancy. Nonetheless, we wanted to honor Little Ped and make sure that he received a proper burial. This time, my family wasn't under so much pressure and had time to think about what would be appropriate. Allyson and my father decided that Little Ped should be cremated and that the ashes should be buried with a tree that we will plant in our backyard. Even though we never got to really meet Little Ped, he was still a life- and for me, a little brother, and I think its important that his life is respected and honored. 


Although the two cases I've described are very different, they both share significant similarities. In the case of my mom, we had to deal with a real conflict with her mother over how my mother should be buried and remembered in death. With Little Ped, there was little conflict and no debate. However, in both cases, we felt it was important to find a way to honor the dead and I think we've done an okay job at that. 

forty-four comments

Comments to...



Eloise:

Wow, I really appreciate the creativity brought into your project. You explored your thoughts through these images that often bring a sense of discomfort among most people. This is because we aren't used to confronting our thoughts, even though they come naturally for most of us.

I really appreciated the poem that you wrote, I could totally imagine you speaking these words with passion, and I'm happy that you could communicate that through the internet!

I appreciated the topic because I felt like it is one that everyone can relate to. You have your own understanding that everyone is a sexual being and I appreciate your willingness to question sex being thought of as taboo among a large population in the united states ( i can't speak for any other place).

I still think that you have room for improvement in your writing. I wish that you would have introduced the poem and explained your thoughts being it and the video. A good way to think about it is to think, what if someone not exposed to pregnancy and birth were to see them, how would I prepare them to read my post? well... you get my drift? miss you! have fun in france!

nai


Casey:

yer,

your post illustrates the eventful day you had with dr. Moritz. although i've never been present at a birth, i've got a feeling that its very difficult to communicate to anybody what the experience was like. taking that into consideration, i applaud you at presenting your experiences in the way that you did- very articulate.

i think that your post matters to me because i have an appreciation for birth- as we all do.should? and i would someday like to be an assistant at birth, like a doula. Having read your post on the plane, it kept me entertained, and thanks for that too.

ciao


Devin:

I really appreciated your work! You presented the medical approach as one that may not have an understanding or appreciation of the effects of allowing the umbilical cord to be cut after three minutes and presented the natural approach as being more welcoming to the literal connection between mother and child.

After reading the book that I was assigned to from class, this was brought up but not written about in detail. I was interested in this topic and I'm glad that you provided me with more information.

I liked the way this blog post was written, but perhaps you could have displayed it in a more creative way? 



Comments from...


Eloise:
Naima, your narrative discribing the doula training class you are going to take, your first memories of birth, and the deep discussion with your aunt about working with child delivery and the medical system was written with great beauty. It tied in the previous unit as well (I belive without intention) Which i belive is very powerful.

I realllllly liked the actions your taking, becoming a good friend of yours I can really see you as being a very helpful person in pregnancy. I think that you taking these courses is very interesting and EXPERIENTAL TO THE MAX ! I can't wait to hear how they go! I also really liked the opening story of your post it flowed like a river.

Your project matters to me because as a friend I value the relationship you have with your family and I feel these actions you are taking are going to have a major positive influence on your step mother and especially the little babe to come ! (hopefully) What story it will be to tell that you saw your sibling being born.

Elizabeth:

Naima!

The courses you described sounded amazing. I liked that your focus was on becoming a doula/being a part of birth because it relates to things we talked about in class, but hearing what your aunt had to say was a new point of view. I actually considered going through doula training for my project as well, but I didn't know how well it would turn out without the actual training (since the next available session was in May).
Your project though, came out really well and I think that the interview/your personal connection (step-mother) really added extra emotion into the project which I feel is a hard thing to do when such a stiff word (in my opinion) like "project" is being used.

I hope to hear more about your training and your perspective on your step-mother's birth experience

Casey:

Naima,
You go girl! Your motivation to be involved in your stepmom's pregancy and the overall experience of birth is commendable, and the fact that your formed a strategy to do so looks effective. I think your experiences in doula training will provide life-long skills. After having seen several births, a doula in action, and what it takes to support birthing/pregnant women, I think that you have the potential to be a great doula!
Your project is important to me because I might like to take that class as well. I'm so excited for you to learn more about this process and eventually be a part of a birth.
I found it especially interesting that your aunt sings to the baby and familiarizes herself with him/her by touching the stomach...I wonder how she learned to do this.
Interesting work!


Comments from...
Emma:

Naima,
I love the way you reflect on your experience with your friend Tiana. It highlights the transformation you've gone through regarding your perspective on birth, but also shows the common beliefs regarding birth- that it's disgusting. The way you describe your conversation with your aunt is also really wonderful and vivid. She brings up a lot of interesting ideas that challenge the notion of conventional birthing practices, and I was particularly interested in what she said about doctors not respecting nurse practitioners. Overall, this post has gotten me to think about birth in a more holistic way- this post illustrates the ways in which birth is a journey, rather than an isolated event in a woman's life that she bears no connection to. It also makes me question the western medical world as a whole, and how its birthing methods reflect its lack of emphasis on true healing that involves a deep connection between the body, mind, and spirit.

Joaquin:

The part that jumps out to me is the paragraph where you introduce Auntie Ramona, and the character that she is. You captured her quirkiness and passion well. And knowing her, I know she WOULD say something like Bingly liked the attention she gave her.

I also appreciate how your passion for this subject comes through consistently in your piece. Although the recent turn in events has shifted things as we knew them, I encourage you to continue to explore this interest of yours. I think you would make a great doula or midwife.

Remember to always reread your work bebe. Proper nouns must be capitalized. Allyson's name for example :) But, I must say, your writing has clearly improved over time. I'm very proud of you my little munchkin sister.

Love you,
Joaquin

pregnancy and birth culminating project

As a daily routine, Tiana and I used to sit at my desk for hours- talking and listening to music. She and I were really close friends and I wasn't afraid to tell her anything. "T, I just found the NASTIEST pictures I've ever seen!" She looked up with a delighted face that said 'show me'. I ran up to my room and brought back a small package of developed film photos. She took them from my hand and as soon as she opened them, "EWWW! Is that your mom?" she asked. I looked over to the photo that sat in her hand. My mom squatted on a bed with a baby's head half- way out of her uterus. "YES! Isn't it gross?" Tiana flipped through the rest of the photos, half smiling, half disgusted. She leaned back in her chair. "The baby looks like an alien. Why would your mom have these photos taken of her?" I thought about it, traced my eyes over the photo and then shivered, "I guess she just really wanted to remember it."

Now I wonder what we found so disgusting about the photos. Was it the blood? Was it that the baby looked blue and did indeed look like an alien? Or was it that we were dumbfounded by the thought of someone taking photos of an experience so intimate? Whatever it was, I don't feel the same way anymore. I now have a new found respect for women who have given labor to the point where I'm interested in being present at one myself.

A couple of weeks ago, Allyson, my stepmother, and I were having a conversation and I changed the topic, "Do you think I can be present at your birth?" She responded by telling me that she would feel comfortable with me being there. I felt ecstatic! But as I thought about it more, I felt kind of silly asking her. "What will I even do? Just watch?" I asked myself. But as I thought about it more, I realized that doulas, people who assist women during labor have limited training and I thought that it would be great if I could take some of the training.

I started to do some investigations into what it takes to be a doula. Here's what I learned: To become a certified doula, in addition to 16 hours of workshops, I have to purchase a certification packet and read five books on specific doula training (http://www.dona.org/develop/birth_cert.php). The class that I will be taking is on the first weekend in June and the training course costs $450. I was initially suspicious that this might just be away to make money from people but after looking closely at what was offered in the courses, I thought that it would be valuable. Below is a description of the training that I will be taking:

DAY ONE: Introduction to childbirth for new doula’s course - Day one fills the requirement for DONA International's Observation of a Childbirth Preparation series. Topics to be covered: Basic anatomy & physiology of pregnancy, stages and phases of labor, medications options, discomforts of pregnancy, and all general topics covered within a childbirth education class.

DAY TWO:  Introduction to Labor Support - Level I

Presents the dynamics of labor and birth, how to be a skilled companion during childbirth, and how to soothe and comfort a laboring woman. Topics to be covered: Introduction to labor support, Prenatal contact between Doula and client, Emotional support, comfort measures, business aspects of a Doula practice.

 

DAY THREE:  Basic Doula Training - Level 2

Covers in-depth labor support strategies, the role of the Doula within the medical framework, guidelines for pre and postnatal contact with clients, how to deal with problem labors and unexpected outcomes, how to contribute to breastfeeding success, and specific tips for setting up practice as a Doula. Topics to be covered: Cesarean Section, VBAC, Postpartum contact between Doula and client, difficult labors, The newborn and breastfeeding.

In addition to taking the course, I thought it would be beneficial to interview a health worker who has assisted in child births before. I gave my aunt Ramona a call.  She is a nurse practitioner and was pleased to hear from me but even more pleased to speak about her work. She readily opened up: "The first time I experienced child birth was in Kenya in a mud hut. I was assisting midwives and most of the babies were born at home. I was really just in awe, and my part was more like a doula. I got to cut the umbilical cord with a razor blade!" My mind raced as she told me these stories. I began having images of what it must have been like for her. She went on to tell me that she studied under a man who was responsible for delivering babies on the island of Lamu.  He was a traditional healer who had a lot of power and respect in the village. It was considered a real honor for her to have a chance to learn under such an individual.

I continued the conversation, "Could you tell me a little history of your role as a birthing assistant? What do you do now? Are you happy doing it?" She took a moment, "Naima, of course I'm happy doing it! I guess it started when I was ten years old. I had this dog named Bingly and whenever she got pregnant, I would help her out during the delivery. I was like her midwife. And she really liked it." I laughed at that. "I'm serious! she appreciated it. After one pup came out, I'd pet her as we prepared for the next."


"Then I got really interested in midwifery. In Kenya I helped assist but I had more of a doula role. And now I'm a family nurse practitioner. And I like it, you know, dealing with people from the time of conception to the time of death. I prefer this because I can still deliver babies. I work with midwives, but I'm not exclusively a midwife. I get to do a little bit of everything, I've got no boundaries. I just have to find the right fit and not let people exploit me." I asked her if she worked in the hospital. "I work in a clinic, not a hospital. I disagree with too many things that doctors do. They do things based on their own interests and there are way too many unnecessary procedures. They treat everything, even birth, like its a sickness or a disease. And they feel threatened by nurse practitioners. I don't see why. We do everything they do and get paid half the amount they do. "

After hearing her talk about the passion she had for her work, I wanted to get a sense for the types of qualities I would need to have in order to be a good doula. "What personal qualities contribute to being a good doula" I asked. "...Empathy. Compassion. Patience. Touch! Massaging, are you good at those? Knowledge of midwifery." She paused. "You should have a good understanding of what pregnancy is all about. Understand each of the trimesters and read as much as you can on midwifery." Right before our conversation finished, she added "And spend as much time as you can with allyson! Notice the changes that take place in her breasts and belly. Keep your hand on her belly frequently so that the baby can get to know you. And sing to him."

My conversation with my aunt left me even more intent on learning about childbirth and becoming directly involved. She's always been a great story teller and the way she spoke with her passion and dramatic inflections reminded me of how special it is to see a child come into the world. I'm looking forward to the time when I'll have the chance to be present at a childbirth and assisting in the process.

ind. research

works cited

• http://www.lamaze.org/

This is a website that describes Lamaze.  It is an educational program that assists parents who seek to have a natural and healthy approach to child birth. Using the Lamaze approach often leads to reduced medical interventions and more support for the woman- either being assisted by family members, doulas or midwives.

• Gaskin May, Ina. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. New York: Bantam Dell, 2003. Print.

Chapter 2: This chapter looks into the process of labor. It explores how the uterus, placenta and umbilical cord function during intrauterine life.  It also describes how the baby is affected during the labor process.

• http://www.birthfocus.com/birthFocus/what.cfm- what is a doula?

This website explains what a doula is.  The word doula is Greek in origin and refers to someone who actively assists the mother during child labor. Not only does the Doula provide support to empower the woman but they also aim to involve the partner, if there is one. Doula's help provide "objective" information while also helping in decision making. They also facilitate communication between the mother and doctor or midwife.  This might pertain to a physical condition or an emotional state. Doula's attempt to make childbirth as comfortable as stress-free as they can for the woman and partner.

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvmB96cRnaU

This video provides the perspectives of woman who had a doula present during childbirth.  In the video she describes the doulas as necessary and reassuring. The women, midwife and doctor interviewed felt positively about doulas.  Everyone interviewed seemed to understand that the presence of a doula often led to the woman experiencing greater confidence during childbirth.

• http://www.childbirthinternational.com/birth_doula/syllabus.htm & http://www.birthinggently.com/doula_training.html

I checked out this website because I am interested in learning how to become a doula.  Through this three day course (birthing gently) I will learn the basic skills of being a doula which includes understanding the female anatomy and physiology of pregnancy. I will come to a better understanding of the dynamics of labor and birth. I will also understand how to be a soothing, nurturing assistance and provide emotional support.

Recently my father and step mother broke the news and told me that Allyson, my step mom was pregnant. A little while after I got used to the idea, I realized that this birth unit would be a great tool for me to have an understanding of what pregnancy and child birth is about. After learning so much about birth from the "Business of Being Born," the book "Baby Catcher" and what we've discussed in the classroom, I have taken interest in becoming a doula, or at least getting a sense of what that job entails. I would prefer to be actively involved in Allyson's birth experience rather than a passive by stander. This course and the books I've read has impressed upon me how awesome and incredible the birthing experience is and I would welcome the opportunity to participate in an actual birth. I conducted this research so that when I take the three day "doula training" course, I can be better prepared for what is to come.